Scary Movies Aren’t Scary (I’m Reviewing Shtuff!)

I was going to write about this a week ago, but I got lazy and then life happened. So I’m writing about it now. Exactly a week later. Okay.

So, last Saturday my friend and I decided to have a “Scary Movie Night” at her house since it was close to Halloween. It was awesome. We ate pizza and candy and there were blankets and teddy bears and she let me hold her cat. We ended up watching three movies. Now I’m going to review them. If you don’t like spoilers then go away. Just go. You’re not welcome here.

My friend and I are kinda wusses when it comes to scary movies, so we weren’t sure how much gore/suspense we could handle. We wanted to start out with something easy so we picked House at The End Of The Street because Jennifer Lawrence was in it.


We love Jennifer Lawrence. We watched Silver Linings Playbook just because she was in it. At least I did. Anyway, I went into the movie knowing absolutely nothing about it. I thought it was going to be super scary and I wouldn’t be able to watch the whole thing….It was actually pretty stupid. The movie had the potential to be fantastic, but it was ruined by cheesy lines and unrealistic decisions by the characters. It was all the little mistakes that made it bad. The movie progressed very slowly, too. It didn’t pick up until the last half hour, and until that point it was all very confusing. The main dude was also very distracting because we couldn’t figure out if we thought he was cute or not. He was creepy in a man-child kind of way.

The second movie we watched was Cabin In The Woods because Chris Hemsworth was in it.

ImageBut it was a little disappointing because *spoiler alert*  he dies halfway through the movie. Lionsgate should be ashamed of itself. What idiot kills off Thor? We thought he’d live through the whole thing cuz he was the most attractive. But no. Of all people they save the annoying ginger girl and the funny stoner. The movie was scary at first, but then the plot got more confusing which made it hard to be scared because I had no clue what was happening. Cabin in The Woods was kinda the opposite of House at The End of The Street; it was good for the first half, and stupid for the second half. The special effects were awful and the monster costumes weren’t scary at all. I couldn’t take the movie seriously because in my head I matched every actor to a character from Scooby Doo and it was all downhill from there. It gets even worse when Sigourney Weaver shows up. Sigourney Freaking Weaver. I swear, that woman ruins everything. *Spoiler Alert* Basically the whole point of the movie is that there are these voracious “gods” in the underworld that require a sacrifice of five people every year, so they release all these monsters to kill them while they’re at this cabin. But not all of them die, so then the gods get angry and destroy the entire world because someone thought that would be a fantastic plot twist. Also, the black guy didn’t die first like he was supposed to, so I knew this was going to be messed up.

The last movie we watched was Carrie. Not the new Carrie. We watched the old 1970s Carrie.


I’m warning you right now, this movie is not halal. There is a lot of nudity in the movie. Like, a lot. It was awful and unnecessary. We fast forwarded through most of the movie, but basically this chick finally hits puberty, and after that she gets the power to move objects with her mind and start fires and explode crap when she’s angry. And her mom is some religious freak so everyone at school hates her because she’s awkward and strange. I think this is the only movie I was actually scared by because it got crazy at the end. No one had spoiled the ending for me so I was actually surprised when *spoiler alert* she kills everyone in the whole school. And then she kills her mom. And then she drags her mom’s dead body into the closet with her and hides in there while her whole house collapses. Oh, and apparently John Travolta was in this and his character was just so gross and it ruined the movie for me.

Okay. There you go. Now you have my opinion of three irrelevant movies that you’ve probably already seen. And if you haven’t seen them, I’d still recommend them to you. Even if they weren’t very scary they were still interesting. They were good “scary” movies for people who don’t like/can’t handle scary movies. They were all decent films and I enjoyed making inappropriate jokes throughout all of them, so I suggest you do the same.

Moral of the Story: Either I can handle more gore than I thought I could, or I’m just really bad at picking movies…probably the latter.

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