No, I’m not currently a hijabi. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about it. A lot.
Yesterday I got the “hijab talk” from my parents for like, the third time. I know I definitely want to do it. I just don’t know when. And I don’t want to do it just because my parents told me to. I know a few girl’s who wore it because their parents forced them and they ended up taking it off. I don’t want to put it on, find out I’m not comfortable with it, and then take it off.
I’ve thought about this enough to know that I’m not ready. I think I need to be a different place spiritually and emotionally before I wear it. I need to be more comfortable with myself first. I’ll admit I’m not exactly in the best state of mind when it comes to body image and I feel like that’s something I need to get over before I do anything else. I don’t want to be self conscious about how I look in a scarf. It’s not that I’m worried about how other people will look at me when I’m wearing it. It’s that I want to be more confident and be able to put it on and not worry that it makes my forehead look too big or makes my face look too round.
I’d like to be in a different place spiritually, too. I’m not done doing stupid things, or swearing, or just screwing up in general. But if you looked at me right now you wouldn’t have any way to tell whether I was Muslim or not. The minute I put a scarf on the whole world will know. And then I’ll be an example whether I like it or not. And I want to be a better example than I am right now.
Also, there’s one last reason that just makes me sound like an awful person but hey, it’s the truth:
I want to be able to wear my hair down for my wedding. Judge me.