I think I might have touched on this before but not in depth. The point is: I’ve got this little thing called jealousy. Its been a very real problem for me for most of my life, especially in the past couple years. I’ve always had this need to feel adequate. I never wanted to be better than anyone, but I very desperately want to feel, or at least pretend, I’m up to par with everyone else.
The fact of the matter is that I am not, and I don’t feel like I ever have been. I don’t get too jealous over the size of peoples houses or how much stuff they have (I lived in an apartment and shared a room with my sister for too many years to not appreciate the space I have now). But a lot of the time I get jealous of peoples life experiences. I don’t know why, but thats the one thing that always gets to me.
I couldn’t care less if you post a selfie with your new Michael Korrs watch, or show off your new car, but as soon as I see your vacation photos its like a slap in the face. Suddenly i feel inadequate, and life seems even more unfair than usual, and that little voice in my head is saying “hey, look at this great experience that youre never going to have! Look at all these things you’ll never see in person, and all these places you’ll never go.” And more than that, its as if its a sign that the people around me are moving forward and progressing while I’m still stuck here. It’s kinda the same as how i feel about everyone else going off to college and living in dorms and apartments without me. Its like I’m getting left behind and struggling to keep up.
The same goes for hearing about parties my friends have gone to or hearing about them drinking or smoking or dating or whatever. I cant compete with that. Theyre having adventures and discovering who they are and they have freedom that i dont have, whether they take it for granted or not. The hardest part is that its out of my control.
But AMG, life’s not a competition.
Im aware. But that doesn’t mean it never feels like one, especially when you’re struggling to keep up. Socially, financially, emotionally, im just in a very different place than my friends and its hard sometimes.
But AMG, you don’t know what your friends are going through.
Stfu. This is about me.
Either way, I’m not proud of it. It’s annoying and tiring to get so worked up every time someone posts a photo or talks about something cool they’ve done. The problem is I don’t know how to deal with it. Its not the same as having body image issues. I can’t just convince myself I’ve taken enough vacations or have more friends than i really do. Its not the same as convincing myself I’m pretty.
Which is completely stupid, because its not like i haven’t had any experiences ever. If anything, the experiences i have had have changed me for the better (i apologize for that tongue twister of a sentence). Its not like doing hookah is suddenly going to lead me to enlightenment, or like going paddle boarding in Florida is going to change my world view.
You know what I have experienced and what did change me? I went to five different elementary schools. I can’t pinpoint any specific place where I “grew up.” I lived in India for a year when I was a little kid. I know what its like to be lonely, and not have enough. And i know what its like to not fit in, and i know how to adapt, and i know how to make people feel welcomed and i know who I am.
I know I’m not technically worse off for not having these experiences, and i know I’ve experienced life in a very different way than my friends have. The problem is i know exactly what Im missing out on. I could have a lifetime’s worth of experiences that none of my friends have had (and I’m sure I’ve had plenty) but as long as i know exactly what i haven’t had, I’m going to want it. And until I have it, I wont be satisfied.
But for all i know, i might never have it. And i fully understand that ten years from now its not going to matter to me. It wont be important and no one will care. But im young, im in college
sorta and im supposed to be experiencing things. Maybe i used up all my experiences when i was younger and don’t have any left for right now. Maybe Im meant to experience things a little later in life when I’m a little bit happier and a little less stressed. Regardless, it hurts to watch everyone having fun without you.
Moral of the story: I don’t have one. If you’d like to offer up some advice I’d be more than happy to listen.
***this post is depressing and stupid and I’m wondering if this is the kind of stuff you want to read? Can i get real on here or are we not ready for that? Theres a lot of things that I’ve been debating telling you about but my goal is to present my life “as is” and this is technically a diary after all so…