My Awkwardness

Last day of school

Today was my last day of school! I had one exam today and now I’m DONE. I had two projects due over the weekend and a ton of stuff to do and zero motivation to do it. I personally would like to blame the internet. And then there was a whole fiasco with turning in a group project and one of my partners not getting anything done. But I won’t get into that because its stresses me out just thinking about it.

Still, its a miracle that I’ve even made it to this point. I survived an entire year of college. Lord knows how that happened. There’s been a lot of ups and downs this year and it definitely was nothing like I had hoped or expected it to be. I was under a lot of stress, dealing with my grandmother’s sudden passing, and struggling emotionally. Its like everything that hadn’t mattered in high school suddenly mattered now. I cared about experiences I didn’t have, and ones that I didn’t want, and somehow it led to me feeling sorry for myself for a long time. First semester was fine, second semester was an emotional rollercoaster. My experience wasn’t all bad, but it definitely wasn’t the college experience I wanted. Or maybe it just wasn’t the life experience I had wanted.

I didn’t get live I’m a dorm like all my friends got to. To be quite honest I was always jealous when they told me stories about their room mates or how they go hang out around campus at night and I’d be stuck at home with my parents and my teddy bear. To be fair they never rubbed it in my face and they all did their fair share of complaining about the food or the roommates or whatever, but as a homely desi girl who wants nothing more than to move out the house (freedom), I couldn’t help but feel jealous. Being stuck living with your parents at a time when you’re supposed to be an “adult” and go on adventures and have fun is like a slap in the face. I can’t do anything. The one time I tried to go downtown with my friend, my mom yelled and me and now I’ll never hear the end of it. Well excuse me for trying to have some fun.

The other downside to commuting is that its so hard to make friends. I met a few people in my classes, but its not easy to meet people. I think it might be because I hate girls. Its very easy for me to make a lot of “guy friends” (probably because of my crude sense of humor and sloppy sense of style) but I have the hardest time finding girls to be friends with. I just don’t like girls. They’re so catty and and annoying and I have nothing in common with them. They’ve got boyfriends and they drink and they care about how they look and I’m just over here like “das cool. I have a blog…”

It wasn’t all bad, though. I’ve got my fair share of stories and adventures, but I think the biggest thing that happened this year is that I am not the same girl I was on the first day of school. I think I’ve definitely matured since then, but there are also new things that I need to work on. I’m in a completely different place emotionally than I was last year. I think I was definitely a lot happier when school ended last year. That’s not to say that I’m not happy at all now, but last year marked the end of four years of a lot of ups and very few downs and ended on a high note. I was happy to be done with it and move on.  This year marks the end of one “meh” year and it didn’t end on any note. Its done and now I don’t know what to do with myself.

But, if I learned anything from highschool, its that it gets better as it progresses. You meet new people, you figure out where you fit it, you find a favorite spot to eat lunch, and you figure out what works for you. I’ve already learned where the best place to sit on the train is, and where to take the best instagram pictures, and hoew early i need to get to the library to sit in the good chair.

I have a history of poorly adjusting to new surroundings, and I feel like that played a huge part in all this. But, inshallah, next year will be a lot better.

Moral of the story: You can plan and plan and plan, and daydream all you want but sometimes, as painful as it may be, life isn’t going to go the way you want it. Because you can’t control when people leave your life or when they enter it, and you can’t control everything around you, and sometimes someone else makes decisions for you and you can’t control that either. Sometimes you just have to grin and bear it and have faith that you’re going to get to where you want to be eventually. Life is hard and stressful and sometimes everything happens too much but that’s just life.

2 thoughts on “Last day of school

  1. That’s great to hear. It’s actually pretty scary how similar your first year was to mine. My first semester was pretty fun, considering I still had some friends, but the second semester was just all over the place, and mostly it just plain sucked. I never realized how hard it is to always be by yourself and having little to no support by others who are going throught the same things as you, like assignments, lol. I am also a commuter, so I have had so much trouble making friends. I’ve pretty much given up at this point, and just plan to really focus on my studies and entertain myself with art and the internet.

    I’m glad things are looking up for you… and I uderstand that suffocating lifestyle some of out parents put on us… it sucks, but hey. It’s only to protect us.

    Like

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