Things that bother me

Satisfaction not Guaranteed: Experiences

*sigh*

I think I might have touched on this before but not in depth. The point is: I’ve got this little thing called jealousy. Its been a very real problem for me for most of my life, especially in the past couple years. I’ve always had this need to feel adequate. I never wanted to be better than anyone, but I very desperately want to feel, or at least pretend, I’m up to par with everyone else.

The fact of the matter is that I am not, and I don’t feel like I ever have been. I don’t get too jealous over the size of peoples houses or how much stuff they have (I lived in an apartment and shared a room with my sister for too many years to not appreciate the space I have now). But a lot of the time I get jealous of peoples life experiences. I don’t know why, but thats the one thing that always gets to me.

I couldn’t care less if you post a selfie with your new Michael Korrs watch, or show off your new car, but as soon as I see your vacation photos its like a slap in the face. Suddenly i feel inadequate, and life seems even more unfair than usual, and that little voice in my head is saying “hey, look at this great experience that youre never going to have! Look at all these things you’ll never see in person, and all these places you’ll never go.” And more than that, its as if its a sign that the people around me are moving forward and progressing while I’m still stuck here. It’s kinda the same as how i feel about everyone else going off to college and living in dorms and apartments without me. Its like I’m getting left behind and struggling to keep up.

The same goes for hearing about parties my friends have gone to or hearing about them drinking or smoking or dating or whatever. I cant compete with that. Theyre having adventures and discovering who they are and they have freedom that i dont have, whether they take it for granted or not. The hardest part is that its out of my control.

But AMG, life’s not a competition.

Im aware. But that doesn’t mean it never feels like one, especially when you’re struggling to keep up. Socially, financially, emotionally, im just in a very different place than my friends and its hard sometimes.

But AMG, you don’t know what your friends are going through.

Stfu. This is about me.
Either way, I’m not proud of it. It’s annoying and tiring to get so worked up every time someone posts a photo or talks about something cool they’ve done. The problem is I don’t know how to deal with it. Its not the same as having body image issues. I can’t just convince myself I’ve taken enough vacations or have more friends than i really do. Its not the same as convincing myself I’m pretty.

Which is completely stupid, because its not like i haven’t had any experiences ever. If anything, the experiences i have had have changed me for the better (i apologize for that tongue twister of a sentence). Its not like doing hookah is suddenly going to lead me to enlightenment, or like going paddle boarding in Florida is going to change my world view.

You know what I have experienced and what did change me? I went to five different elementary schools. I can’t pinpoint any specific place where I “grew up.” I lived in India for a year when I was a little kid. I know what its like to be lonely, and not have enough. And i know what its like to not fit in, and i know how to adapt, and i know how to make people feel welcomed and i know who I am.

I know I’m not technically worse off for not having these experiences, and i know I’ve experienced life in a very different way than my friends have. The problem is i know exactly what Im missing out on. I could have a lifetime’s worth of experiences that none of my friends have had (and I’m sure I’ve had plenty) but as long as i know exactly what i haven’t had, I’m going to want it. And until I have it, I wont be satisfied.

But for all i know, i might never have it. And i fully understand that ten years from now its not going to matter to me. It wont be important and no one will care. But im young, im in college sorta and im supposed to be experiencing things. Maybe i used up all my experiences when i was younger and don’t have any left for right now. Maybe Im meant to experience things a little later in life when I’m a little bit happier and a little less stressed. Regardless, it hurts to watch everyone having fun without you.

Moral of the story: I don’t have one. If you’d like to offer up some advice I’d be more than happy to listen.

***this post is depressing and stupid and I’m wondering if this is the kind of stuff you want to read? Can i get real on here or are we not ready for that? Theres a lot of things that I’ve been debating telling you about but my goal is to present my life “as is” and this is technically a diary after all so…

13 thoughts on “Satisfaction not Guaranteed: Experiences

  1. I should be the last person ‘advicing’ (or is it advising?) but perhaps you believe you are not cool enough and you are missing out on life or something as your friends are able to drink and party and stuff and you can’t or chose not to (I am not putting a judgement as I don’t personally know you or your life) as for the vaction I slightly understand as I myself feel that I am missing out. Wait I don’t understand sorry cause I don’t get jealous just feel bad…. than I tell myself I will be there oneday as you never know how life changes sooo suddenly only Allah does. My apologies if my advice was useless lol or if I said something offensive. 🙂

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    1. Well its not that, exactly. I didnt really explain this in my original post but the jealousy kinda stems more from “what did they do to deserve such great things when ive had my share of struggles?” And less from “oh my gosh im not as cool as them and it makes me insecure” ya know? Anyway, thanks for reading!

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      1. As salam mu alakium. I fully understand how you are feeling! In the past I also felt this way until I realized that maybe the things that I yearned for were never going to benefit me. The same things that I thought I wanted I saw it ruin others lives. So try looking at it like that. Sometimes even the most seemingly unharmful wants can be harmful. May Allah help you in your struggle.

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  2. Hey salam alaikum sister, you wrote stuff that is very relatable to youth today in a very clear way. You have a gift Masha Allah and know that there are many other people out there who wish they have the same ability to express their idea like you but didn’t have the privilege to do so. We may not have same type of jealousy but we surely have been jealous of something before. Dear sister, I’m sure you are well aware that is life is short and is a big temptation for everyone . See the big picture of the purpose of life and you will feel inadequate to face your Creator instead of feeling jealous of seeing someone posses in front of some building somewhere . Stay strong and may Allah bless you and your family.

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    1. Wa alaikum as salaam, jazakAllah khair for your kind words. You’re right, I do need to focus more on being grateful. Sometimes i just need a reminder. Thanks for reading! InshAllah may Allah reward you for your kindness.

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  3. I can totally relate to what you feel but i learnt a long time ago how NOT to be jealous of other peoples’ experiences. See, it’s as simple as this: To achieve happiness, even with jealousy tugging at your heart, you have to feel grateful towards Him at all times. Everybody has it hard but not eveybody knows how to stay happy. I didn’t either, but then again, I’m only 9 days away from turning 15, why would you listen to my advice. What i do know is that it wasn’t a long time ago when i cried about all my problems and cursed at my life before i learnt that when we learn to see what we already have, we forget being depressed. In fact, negative emotions like depression, sorrow, jealousy, heartbreak, anger come from ungratefulness (I hope thats a word). To stay happy, we have to learn to acknowledge what we have. We might lock ourselves in our room and cry while our parentsfight downstairs. But we have to know that the room, the roof that we have on our heads, is something that many people, humans, just like you and me, don’t.

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  4. There is no such thing as advice in my mind atm. I can so relate to it, I live sort of same life the only difference is I don’t get jealous, I feel left out too but what keeps me going is Hope , I’ve high hope for coming days, to live better than a lot of people someday. I live alone with my father and brother, Cry alot when i see a girl get hug from her mother. But what is being taken away from you will be replaced with something alot better in shah Allah. All you can do is just be patience with what you have. you can’t run, there is no magic wand that will change your life. Its you who can make difference. All i would say is to be patience one day you’ll have it all 🙂

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  5. You sound depressed. You may not realize it, but they are countless things that people envy about you. Just hold on, reflect, and attempt to enjoy life to the fullest as it is given to you. Maybe some videos from actualized.org (on youtube) may help with the reflection process. Your soul simply needs some lovin’ and adventure.

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  6. I feel you girl. I feel the exact dang way. I lived in America til I was 6, then moved to Bangladesh and now I’m back for college. I was a pretty good student, alhamdu lillah, but I still ended up in community college here. I feel jealous I didn’t get the good high school experience the girls at the msa had

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  7. I feel you girl. I feel the exact dang way. I lived in America til I was 6, then moved to Bangladesh and now I’m back for college. I was a pretty good student, alhamdu lillah, but I still ended up in community college here. I feel jealous I didn’t get the good high school experience the girls at the msa had, I’m jealous they can afford to go into trips into the city as a group, and I’m jealous of a friend in bd cuz she has a really nice boy going for her, I get unbelievably jealous when I see awesome experiences of acquaintances posted on fb. I’m just as awkward and shy, probably more so, than you so its hard making new friends. People keep telling you to be grateful, and Allah knows I make myself thank Him routinely, but that does not make my jealousy go away. I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor, I like to think I appreciate my living conditions at least as much as average. Still doesn’t make it that much better. Like ‘am I not a decent person don’t I deserve that nice scenic vaca and that great college experience?’ kinda feeling, you know what I’m saying? I don’t have any particular advice for you, I just wanna say that hey I’m in the same ditch as you you’re not alone let’s throw a party down here. Cutting out social media would probably help like a lot, but lol I can’t do that myself so yeah. Love your blog, its nice to find someone with the same sentiments ❤ ❤ ❤
    I'll keep you in my prayers. Insha Allah He will pull both of us out of this rut 🙂

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